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DADDY HUNGER

 

Daddy Hunger Girl Alone

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that I realized events I witnessed in my childhood had an effect on my relationships with men. I never knew why I was so desperately in need for affection. I was always longing for attention from a man. Always wanted to be loved and would do everything just to keep a man around. I was clingy and men didn’t understand me. At the time, I didn’t understand myself.

I was in silence for years. I wanted any available ear (as long as it was a man) to hear my voice, but nothing would come out. Trapped in a whirlwind of emotions bundled up inside. Screaming and crying on the inside, silent on the outside. People in college always wondered why I didn’t talk. “She must be crazy”, they would say. They would ask each other, “Is she a mute?” As I sat by overhearing the negative remarks and comments, I never commented on what they said. If they only knew.

As a child my Dad was the light of my life, and I was the sparkle in his eye. I was his pride and joy. His favorite saying was “What baby wants baby gets.” I had everything…everything material. The only thing I didn’t have was his time and attention.

I can’t recall when everything started to change. Daddy started spending less time at home. He would come in at 3am after being off of work for hours. I would wait in the upstairs window hoping that each car that turned the corner was him. I remember it was his birthday. I wanted to surprise him by baking a chocolate cake. My mother and I had no transportation, so we walked all the way to the supermarket and back for the ingredients to bake the special birthday cake. Hours passed by but Daddy never came home. It was time for bed. “What about the cake Mommy?” Did Daddy not want the cake? Why wouldn’t he spend his birthday with us?

I clearly remember he started coming home smelling like perfume, and lipstick on his collar. Why is he doing this to us? He had become agitated about everything. He would scream at Mom for no reason. After school, I would run all the way home to make sure I was there to stop any argument he may start with my mother. I would hear his telephone conversations when I came home from school while my Mom was at work. Why is he doing this to Mommy? I would ask myself.

One day when I came home from school, my mom was sitting on my bed. She broke the news to me. “Daddy has decided to be with another woman. We have to move to my home State.” The news hit me like a truck load of bricks. I felt like I was going in a downward spiral. Tears started to flow. Daddy doesn’t love us anymore? Daddy doesn’t want me anymore? He chose another woman over me? Why Daddy? Why?

Daddy Hunger Girl Crying

Moving day—Daddy can’t look at me. He didn’t even say I’m sorry, no explanation. I sat in the backseat of the car with my hamster. I looked back in the rear window as we drove away with tears in my eyes. Heartbroken. Does he know what he has done? Does he know that his decision would follow me into adulthood? Does he know this would affect the relationships that I have with men? Traumatize me to the point I lock myself into a world of silence? No, he didn’t know nor did he care. He didn’t know I would go through periods of my life where I would cling to men because I was trying to compensate for the love and affection I no longer got from him.

I became too needy in some relationships. I looked at men as a father figure and not a boyfriend. I became promiscuous during a period because all I wanted was affection. I wanted to feel like I was loved. A nail had been driven into my heart and pulled out years ago when Daddy left us. I was bleeding inside. I wanted to fill that hole anyway possible.

It took years of self-evaluation and soul-searching to realize my issues. Sitting at the lakefront of Lake Michigan, a light suddenly came on. Daddy Hunger. I’ve been longing for my Father all this time and didn’t realize it. I also realized a pattern in the women in my life. My grandmother stayed in a toxic relationship, my mother stayed in a toxic relationship, so by me witnessing this I thought that is what I was supposed to do even in my bad relationships. I stayed even though I was in abusive situations. I thought it was the right thing to do.

Never having an example of what a healthy relationship should look like took a major toll on relationships that I had with men. I didn’t know my self-worth. I didn’t know that I deserved to be treated with respect and like a Queen. Instead, I accepted being second in my relationships. I would put my all into a relationship only to have the guy leave me for someone else. This seemed to be the norm for me since childhood….being second to another woman.

Fathers spending quality time with their daughters is just as important as spending time with boys. Some people think as long as the female child is with her mother everything will be ok. No, everything will not be ok. It has a tremendous effect on a female’s relationships that she may have as an adult.  So guys, put in that time with your baby girls and ladies don’t keep your daughters away from their father because you are upset with the man. Daughters need their fathers.

Harmonee Holmes is freelance writer originally from Baltimore, MD. Harmonee grew up in small town Halifax, North Carolina and attended Shaw University and Strayer University in Raleigh, NC, She began her passion for writing 10 years ago by blogging and writing short stories, while residing in Chicago, IL. Most of her writing is inspired by her own personal past experiences in relationships and she also likes to discuss current events and politics in the news.She will often sometimes just be creative with a fictional short story. Harmonee is an Insurance Counselor and part-time writer currently residing in Baltimore, MD. IG:@cocopuff319 Twitter: @harmoneeholmes Website: www.harmoneeholmes.com
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