GLBS: I’m Ready For Anything

 be ready for anything 1I thought to myself, be ready for anything. It’s Easter weekend and I don’t want to pick up green plastic grass all morning so make sure he doesn’t open any of those baskets please”, I said to my husband as I placed my eyelash curler on the wet counter top. “Damn it, I mean dang it. Did the baby break another colored egg? It smells like fart!” My comment reminded me how quickly the baby picks up on new vocabulary not to mention the sulfur smell of the broken egg was driving me crazy.  “I don’t like family gatherings with the in-laws,” I thought to myself and I finished getting prepared for another great family adventure.  I have no father-in-law and my mother-in-law is amazing but it’s her side of the family that makes my right eye twitch.  Yes, a physical response to an emotional stressor!

 be ready for anything 2

Ever since my aunt-in-law (if that is even a word) complemented my stellar after-baby-weight-loss, it seems the females in my husband’s family have been gunning for me.  I explained that I was desperate to get the weight off because my man was sending myself and my girls on a cruise. I vowed not to be the fat bitch on the cruise in that dress with the fish print that every chunky chick wears on the ship. “Oh that’s so nice,” they chimed in unison and that’s the only real response that I got.  Pardon me for not revealing they are from the islands. I imagine them with their clothes off while they speak to me or I tune them out and imagine I hear the sound of Charlie Brown school teacher – Wa wa wa wa wa … But the high pitched loud, long tones sound more like an ambulance sirens in rush hour traffic when you try to roll the windows up but the front one still raddles.

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I had the most fun the last time I was with “the family,” I told my husband. One of his brothers pitched an 8 by 6 tent in the driveway and gave a baby shower for one of his babies’ mommas. They had a full on spread:  island food, boom box, paper plates, and the other pregnant baby’s mom MC’d the whole function.  They did their best but I don’t think it could be considered an event maybe more like a gathering. The cross talk (in full thick island accent) was in full bloom and the only song that I actually recognized on the boom box was “Fireworks” by Katy Perry. As I sang it, I made eye contact with another American girl. She mouthed the words, “This is some bullshit” to me. I just kept right on singing before the real fireworks broke out. Yes, I made my exit just before the three-way argument ensued between the dad, baby momma number one and baby momma the MC. As bad as I wanted to stay and play the “the purse game,” I felt uncomfortable after one girl yelled out, “They not ready for what I got in my baby phat bag, shit!” – she formed her fingers into a gun and yelled out, “bop bop bop.” “My sister will be there, “my husband said.  I had a flashback to the time I was privy to a family argument involving her daughter. She snuck out the house while she was supposed to be at grandma’s house. She was screwing various dudes and eventually got deported for lewd acts with a minor. Everyone was closed lipped about this. “Awesome. I can’t wait to see your niece, can’t wait to catch up with her,” I said as I giggled under my breath.

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“Do you know if everyone is bringing a date to dinner honey?” While waiting on the answer I mentally prepare myself … You see. His sister was dating a married man. She was good at hiding his marriage, but his wife wasn’t. His sister knew about the wife but the wife looked so surprised that she wasn’t formally invited to the dinner. But that didn’t stop her, His wife from showing her thong after all she has papers on him right? Or helped him get his papers…. (Eyebrow raised) But remember … The island girls don’t like me because my husband sent me on a cruise vacation with my girlfriends after I lost the baby weight from my son. “You ready to go honey,” he asked.  “Honey do I look fat?” I asked.  “No don’t be surprised if they tell you how much smaller you’ve gotten, ready babe?” “He said, “I am ready for anything,” I replied.

Like I told you I always run into some GLBS….even Easter weekend would not save me!


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