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It doesn’t matter if you’re the one breaking hearts or getting your heart broken, love is the most painful pleasure none of us can live without. I use to feel like a hopeless fool when I would replay the strokes, smacks, grinds, and favors of my lovers in my head. Especially my last lover that made me believe my way of life was worthless when he married someone else. My way of life was just as complicated as it was simple; stroke of dick equals stroke of luck and all my needs were met. But when I was left standing in a street looking up to the life I should’ve had, no stroke of anything mattered and it was up to me to change. My name is Violet and I am no longer a mistress.
Let’s get something clear before there are any judgments thrown. We live in the land of opportunity and there are plenty of ways to get ahead in life; some of those ways are just in beds not books. I had a promising college career that took a detour to single motherhood and a search for a good time. So first there was Dave the nerdy accountant who wanted to be whipped, smacked, and ridden in the office, car, and bathroom stall. I learned how to manage my money well through him and how to control a man. He turned out to be a bit stalker-ish and a bit of a thief, given that he cleared my bank account right before rent. But all of my arguing with the bank got me a job at the bank.
Then over the next six months I spent my days adorned in love from my son and consistent achievements in my job; then many nights wrapped in silk and Egyptian cotton sheets of many many men. It was so nice not being tied down to just one man and being treated like a queen by every single one of them. One month I ended up in four different beds and one of them got me pregnant with my daughter. I wasn’t sure if it was the family man that I pole danced for then coochie pinned in the chair for an hour. Or the investment banker that visits the branch quarterly that snacked on my cookies under the desk during business hours, and I took in the vault and gave the dead presidents a show. It could’ve been the construction worker who taught me how to balance my hips on a scaffold and make my screams echo 20 stories down. Then there was the frightening possibility of the ‘scrub’ on the passenger side of his friend’s ’09 Ford F-150 who gave me such a ride that my legs were pried open for 48 hours.
At this point I was a broken woman that allowed love to ruin my life and leave a beautiful souvenir my son; who by default was broken by his father’s absence, but hey that’s the world these days. Who was I to believe that a man could be the prince charming I was promised as a child? The fact was I was still left alone and needed someone to complete me and my children. Through all the other men I discovered what I wanted in a lover and most importantly the kind of woman I wanted to be get what I wanted. I wanted to find a broken man like me that was willing to rebuild his life with me. I didn’t need someone who was trying to save me, I could’ve saved myself, but I just wanted someone to love me besides my reminders of failed love affairs. On the days I couldn’t cope I drank and smoked blunts like they were oxygen and developed a heavy dependency on weed which cost me my job. Finally my quest led me to Ricky, a man trapped in a marriage by a tramp wife. He cried on my shoulder, we blended our families, and we built what I thought was a meaningful relationship. After two years of body blowout sex, several fights, a little cheating, plenty of cash and a stolen car I was left standing alone in a street looking up at him and his new happy wife.
I cannot begin to explain the rage in my heart after Ricky left me for another woman. Even though he ripped out my heart he made me realize that my life sucked because of me. I chose to control my world by manipulating others with a part of me that was deemed worthless every time I shared my soul with a stranger. It costs me my dignity and made me beg for a love that destroyed me. I was a single mother of two, with no job, and an opportunity to change. I gave up on chasing love through different men, broken or together, and chased a love for someone I had disregarded for the last five years. I returned to school and am working towards finally finishing my degree in psychology (go figure) through a fellowship program. Ironically the guy running the program was the ‘family man’; never miss an opportunity to use these conquests as networking opportunities. Taking this path to discover myself was the worst experience of my life. Now my legs are closed and my eyes are open to discover the love for someone I can’t live without…me.
About the Author:
Carmen Fletcher is a Public Relations Manager and writer that willingly shares her perspective on life, love, and more through poetry, testimonies, and inspirational stories. She is a Contributing Writer on www.breathoflifedaily.com and has contributed to the book Super Singles Activate! Testimonies to Inspire and Uplift the Single Woman. In addition she is currently working on several books and orchestrating the Rise Above campaign featured on the fan page of inspirational book Yes! Confess Success www.facebook.com/CBFWorld