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The definition of single is unmarried, relating to the unmarried state. That describes me…Single. I am not in a relationship. I am not engaged. I am not separated. I am not divorced. I am not married. I am not in a relationship, but it’s complicated. I am simply single.
Lately, it has come to my attention that single women are being viewed in a negative context. Let me throw some words at you. LONESOME. BITTER. HATER. MEN BASHERS. UNHAPPY.DESPERATE. CONNIVING. JEALOUS. These are just a few of the words I’ve heard recently. Granted, unfortunately, there are some women who fall into this generalization, but not all.
I am single. Contrary to popular belief, I’m happy. I’m alone, but far from lonely. I’m enjoying my life on my terms, so bitterness, hatred and jealousy aren’t on my agenda. I love and adore men way too much to bash them. And being unhappy, desperate, and conniving just doesn’t fit my personality.
So I started paying attention to how people reacted when I said I was single. And to say I was amazed at how people view single, black, plus size, women is an understatement. When I told single men I was single they got a puzzled look on their faces, laughed, and said “You’re joking, right?” After, that comment they always asked if it was by choice. When I told single women I was single I had to laugh. Some gave me a high five, told me to enjoy it and take time to learn who I am. Others fell into the “men ain’t no good” category. And after a few questions I realized they felt this way because they were still hurting from a bad relationship.
However, the reactions that truly astounded me came from those that were married or in a relationship. This reaction made me feel like I was a pariah. When I said was single to women that were in a relationship they would clutch their invisible pearls, give that sickly sweet smile, rub my upper back between the shoulder blades and say in gentle, quiet voice “Sweetie, your time will come.” (Insert eye roll here.) Men would clear their throats, readjust their shirts, drop their hands to their sides, have a look of deep concentration, smile and say “I just don’t know what’s wrong with some men. You’re attractive for your size.” (Insert second eye roll and raised eyebrows.) I forgot to mention this all happened after they had moved slightly away from me as if being single was some contagious germ.
A lot of times I am not invited to certain functions because “everyone is coupled up and you would feel left out”. Newsflash: I don’t feel left out being around couples. I enjoy seeing their interaction and love. And if I wanted to bring a date I would. (I’m single and I do have options.) Let me decide if an event would make me uncomfortable.
I’m single by choice. I choose to be single. My singleness isn’t because I have a long list of must-haves for a man. Okay, I lied. I do have a list. Here’s my list—1) he must love me, 2) he must respect me, 3) his heart must be receptive to my love and 4) his mind must be receptive to my respect. I’m single because there is baggage I’m unpacking and I refuse to take it into a new relationship. I love myself enough to heal before I invite a new man into my life.
And I’m not single because there are no good men left. The lie of all the good men being taken needs to be laid to rest. There are plenty of good men out there. I come into contact with them daily. I just haven’t met my good man yet. I refuse to engage in male bashing. The pool of men at my disposal is huge. I just choose to be single.
Being single isn’t a bad thing. Stop looking at me with pity. Stop assuming that my bad mood correlates to my lack of a man. Open your eyes and drop the generalizations. See me as I am…. a beautiful, intelligent, fun, caring, loving woman who just happens to be single.