The Positives of Being Ignored by a Loved One

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People want what they can’t have.

The idea that somehow not getting what you want while being fed the possibility of success has been ingrained in me since I was young. Being a female, we hear things like, “play hard to get” “don’t respond too quickly to his messages” “be unavailable.”  Women are socialized to believe that men “love the chase” and get bored easily. That it is our responsibility to keep things exciting for them or they will lose interest. For the longest time, I was duped by this belief and thought that it was a one way-street, until my late twenties when I realized I had much to learn.

I had been a serial monogamist for majority of my adult life. I feared being alone and equated my worth to being validated by a man. I tended to put relationships on fast forward as well. I had lived with quite a few men after only knowing them for a few months. Not surprisingly, most ended disastrously. But I was too scared to be alone, for fear of being lonely and validating my insecurity that I wasn’t good enough.  When I turned twenty-nine, I decided to end the cycle by consciously being single. Then a few months after my thirtieth birthday, I met a man that would change my perspective of what a relationship is supposed to look like.

He was my age and was my opposite as far as his childhood experiences and financial background. But there was something about him that I couldn’t walk away from. Our difference in helped us to experience growth and new perspectives.  But it was our common, core, qualities that I found comforting such as articulate, intelligent, attractive and much more. We started dating a few weeks after we met and in my usual way, the relationship was on full throttle. We saw each other almost every day, talked constantly, which resulted in us fighting horribly. We fought not because we disliked each other; on the contrary, we fought because we liked each other too much. We were suffocating one another. To regain balance, we broke up every so often only to get back together.

Eventually, we realized that we function better when we see less of each other. Over five years, our time spent together fluctuated. We began with seeing each other once or twice a week, which stretched to once a month. Later, once a month became periods where we didn’t communicate for several weeks at a time. It was the many times apart that I gained new perspectives.  It was the space between that helped me to learn the following:

  1. The chase goes both ways.

It’s not just men who enjoy the “chase.” I too enjoy the thrill and pleasure of ambiguity. I like not knowing where he is at all times. I like that he isn’t available every time that I call. It keeps me wondering and the relationship new.

  1. Fresh and exciting

Even after five years, I still get butterflies when I see him because I don’t take it for granted. I appreciate the time spent that much more knowing that it’s not going to happen again for at least a few days.  Because we don’t have a schedule, I cherish the moments shared.

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Asiatu Lawoyin has always had a gift of “reading” people. As a child, her family speculated she would become a social worker. But it was her creativity and unorthodox thinking that lead to her becoming an intuitive Life Coach. Her coaching is founded on the belief that all blockages are extensions of flawed perspective and broken relationships. It is her close connection with her bi-polar brother that sparked her passion for mental health advocacy. She believes that destigmatizing mental illness is the much needed first step to helping those that struggle. She is dedicated to helping others through her coaching and writing. She currently resides in Maryland, where she was born and raised. She lives minutes from both her parents and sister. All of whom are close to the hospital where her brother is currently living.
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