Unconscious Uncoupling: The Accidental Unraveling of Relationships

Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin announced their divorce in such a pleasant way many of us were unsure if they were breaking up or going on vacation. They did not call it a divorce.  They called it a “conscious uncoupling”. The words themselves fall on your ears like silk dipped in rose petals and sweet perfume.  Yet, it sort of felt like psychobabble used to get us to feel better about the end of another “successful” relationship.

Conscious uncoupling is a decision to end a relationship once it is broken. More times than not, couples surprisingly find themselves at a crossroads where they then decide to amicably and consciously end the relationship. But how did they get to that point?  Unconscious uncoupling – the accidental unraveling of a relationship over time that goes unnoticed until it is too late.

couple_communicatingCommunicate the Truth

To avoid unconsciously uncoupling from your partner, develop a foundation of truth in your relationship. Vow to one another that you will discuss everything and anything that threatens to cause strife between you.  If you are angry, say you’re angry. Do not brood around for weeks before discussing this situation. If you are hurt, do not fight through it alone. Tell your partner why you are hurt and work through it together. Truth is a strong defense against developing bitterness and resentment that can erode the relationship over time.


Focus on the Good Things

To stay “booed up” like you were in the beginning, spend more time focusing on what is right about your relationship, rather than the negative things. Every relationship has challenges that need to be worked through, but more time should be spent on making good things great. Take the time every day to point out what your mate does well.  Let him know every day that you love him.  This reinforcement is not only good for the individual but for the couple as a whole. Love your mate consciously, on purpose.


Love Yourself

In order to love anyone else, you must love yourself first. Forgive yourself for mistakes you have made in the relationship so that you can help your partner heal.  You cannot just sweep your mistakes under the rug and move on. But, you must accept that it was a learning experience and use it to build stronger coupling with your partner.


Have Fun

Life has demands that take up quite a bit of our coupling time.  Date nights and togetherness are very important silly cute coupleto staying coupled. It is okay to be with the girls every once in a while but being coupled means enjoying each other’s company. Send the kids to bed early and watch a movie. Lock yourselves in a room to simply enjoy a conversation. When you feel yourself building barriers of activity and distraction to keep from dealing with your partner you are unconsciously uncoupling.

Before a relationship gets to the pleasantly sweet sounding “conscious uncoupling” state of Gwyneth and Chris, there is a period of unconscious uncoupling that no one ever expects. Accidents happen.  They happen in relationships far too often.  To avoid the silent unconsciousness that erodes away at good relationships, be sure to stay aware. Stay awake. Stay consciously coupled together.

Kamryn Adams is a lifestyle writer, author and expert in contemporary women’s issues. She offers clever insight and lends creative solutions to family, friendship and relationship dilemmas that affect the emotional well-being and daily lives of women. As a writer, Kamryn has contributed to a number of print and online media outlets: Traveling Mom, Working Mother, Recognize Magazine, Executive 50 Magazine and others. Her expert opinion has appeared in MSN Lifestyle, The New York Times, Working Mother Magazine, The Cincinnati Enquirer and more. In addition to her freelance work, she also hosts a life issues blog, “The Chocolate MYLF: Mother You Love To Follow”, and a relationship advice blog, “Main Chick Monologues”. Kamryn is an author whose novels align with her experience as an emotional wellness advocate for women. Her debut novel, “Par for the Curse” (2009) was awarded at the New York Book Festival, Baltimore Book Festival and considered for an NAACP Image Award in literature. Most recently she released “When the Butterfly Falls” (2013), a story that examines the complexity of infidelity, closed adoption, and blended families. Kamryn understands how to examine an issue in a way that will allow the reader to be engaged, enlightened, and still entertained by difficult or uncomfortable topics. With authenticity and charismatic wit, Kamryn continues to build an audience via her podcasting, blogs, social media interaction, and novels. www.kamrynadams.com
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