Want a Ring? Have a baby by me, Baby.

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pixabay.com

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On the other side of things, a white woman, unmarried, with child, may be labeled as a single mother, but differently for these reasons. Society assumes the following

1) she and her partner will get married, and even if they don’t, that’s okay!

2) Something tragic happened to the partner

3) divorced. (remember that time minorities have a low marriage rate? )

See the difference? Now, it is hard enough being a minority in America today. As a 20-something, I often think about when I do decide to have a child, and I don’t just think about the actual act of a baby growing inside me. I think about what kind of world my child will grow up in, I think about what ideals and values I want to bestow upon my child. I also am aware that my race was and still is, something that is dealt with on a daily basis, and my child will most likely face that as well. I don’t want to add to the stigma, by my child being raised by a single parent, if I can help it.

Let’s talk about having a baby because we’ve been dating for ‘x’ amount of years. I know several couples who are cohabiting, and marriage isn’t really a conversation. It’s more so along the lines of leaving a legacy and having something to show for their long-term relationship. I am on the fence about this type of thinking. I do think that babies can bring a couple together, but they can also tear couples apart. I definitely have seen the latter happen more often than not, especially if the baby was a ‘surprise.’ I don’t think a baby should make or break one’s relationship. I think if your relationship is strong, it should enhance the relationship. That is something that should be in the back of your mind when doing the nasty raw. No shade at all, but having sex unprotected means that there’s a possibility of making a child that you didn’t want. Food for thought.

The last thing is, this whole idea about marriage. I don’t think we as young people don’t have a grasp on what constitutes marriage. We get blinded by Instagram selfies of happy couples on their wedding day, bridal showers on Facebook, and new notifications that so and so had a baby. Because, of course, that’s ALL marriage is. Everyone thinks it should be easy, but have we ever stopped to think about what marriage actually LOOKS like? I will say that I am lucky enough to come from a two-parent home. My parents have been married for 29 years, and in all honesty, I’ve never considered NOT getting married, then having kids. As I have aged, I have been able to see the holes in their marriage, the sacrifices, and the difficulties. It definitely isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. But imagine if you have never experienced a two family home. How can you create it? The only places you would see any idea of what marriage is like, would be from TV, and we all know that’s false. If you create the thoughts and ideas you have in you on marriage, you fail. If you think it looks like a single parent home, you fail. If you think it looks broken you fail. But if you really want kids, should you wait until marriage happens, or if not, should you just have kids? That’s a tough question, and requires a lot of thought.

This is what I’ll say about having babies out of wedlock. I’m not judging anybody if they live and raise children without the title of marriage. I think there are a lot of wonderful, successful people raised by either single parents or cohabiting parents who are in a relationship. I just think that having a baby changes things, whether it is planned or unplanned. You both need to be on the same page as far as raising this child. This person is stuck with you for the rest of your life, and this person should be someone you love, or at least like.

 

 

 

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My name is Mora Adeyi. I am a social worker, serving mentally ill adults in the Manhattan area. I currently reside in Harlem and have been living in New York for the past four years. In my spare time, I enjoy running, romantic comedies, and traveling. I am a relationship blogger for anopensecret.com.:)
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