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You Lying, Cheating, Son of a…I Love You! Part 3: Freebie, Forgiveness, Freedom to Love

part 3 image 1vForgive and forget…YEA RIGHT! After you have been through the gutter with your man to build your relationship there is no way you are going to forgive him for shattering your foundation, why? If you’re not doing it for your relationship do it for you. We hold on to the bitterness of the pain that rots our relationships and lives from the inside out, because we won’t let go! Sometimes I’m sorry is not enough and work needs to be done. A few may take the laissez faire approach and allow one infidelity to slip through the cracks if he promises to never do it again, does that work? If you have done all you can do and throw in the towel are you too afraid to open up again? Our panelists openly examine each stage of renewal after infidelity.

Today the topics are: Can you forgive, if you should allow a freebie, and what to do if you move on.

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Forgive and forget. Time heals all wounds. In some cases this may be true. In order to move on we have to forgive and “forget” to function in a seemingly happy relationship. Unfortunately there are cheating situations that are hard to erase from memory and a simple I’m sorry is not enough. Panelist Kimberly, Kita, Ebony, and Aisha weigh in on how you can, should, or never will forgive your significant other.

 Kimberly JonesKimberly Jones, Single-“They say time heals all wounds…I don’t believe that. I believe that it’s what is done with that time can ultimately heal the wound. If your boyfriend or husband has cheated he needs to show that you are his only choice going forward on a constant consistent basis. Both parties have to come to a place of acceptance that what’s done is done and both have to be willing to learn and grow from it. As the woman, you must be open for the idea of forgiving him and not shutting him out with anger. Even though the woman was wronged in the first place, the healing of the relationship must be undertaken as a partnership.

Kita Bryant Kita Bryant, Married– “I am a believer of once a cheater always a cheater. If he cheated once he is probably going to do it again; especially if the man has sex with another woman with or without an emotional attachment. Counseling may help, however I am not going to go out on false hope. If there are children involved then you have to make the necessary embarrassing sacrifice of forgiving him and going through counseling. By doing so, whether you stay together or not, the counseling will help segue into a cordial relationship for the sake of your children. Personally either way nothing would help me to forgive him or forget.

 Ebony L. DavisEbony L. Davis, Recently Single– “I have thought much about forgiveness and what true forgiveness looks like. I have come to the conclusion that you should forgive because it is healthy. Forgiveness frees you from a jail of bitterness and regrets. This is why for some people forgiveness can be enough to save a relationship. However, I am of the philosophy you should forgive with your own wellbeing in mind; we are only human.

Aisha Jones Aisha Jones, Relationship 10 years– “If forgiveness isn’t enough the relationship is over. That is the first step to rebuilding, so if it can’t be done do not expect everything to be wiped away. Think of your relationship as a house under construction. If you destroy the foundation, but decide to continue construction I can guarantee that the house will fall. For the survival of your relationship forgiveness has to be enough to eventually open up for a new beginning.

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Aww baby give me one more chance. Words that either weaken the heart or infuriate the core of your being after you find out that your man has cheated on you. At times it seems worth it to push the “incident” under the rug, especially when family and finances are considered. There is no discussion, no reprimanding, no healing, just a dream like state that everything is normal.   However you end up tossing and turning at night and waking up to the nightmarish reality that he did in fact cheat. Is it worth it to allow your man to have one “freebie”? Our panelists Britton, Kimberly, and Larry seemed to come to a general consensus about this.

Britton S. Boyles Jenkins Britton S. Boyles Jenkins, Divorced– “Nope! I don’t believe in freebies…sorry.

 Larry MillerLarry Miller, Married– First of all if you are in the habit of entertaining this idea you are past the where do we go from here moment because you are already there. You have intentionally destined your relationship and life for failure.

 Kimberly JonesKimberly Jones, Single-“Nope! NO FREEBIES- that’s opening the circuit. That never works! I’ve tried the open relationship thing. What is the point in having a relationship if you are open to the possibility of an invasion onto your love from an outside source? Some people believe that this will alleviate the inevitable ‘mistake’, I disagree. I think it opens the door for a host of demons (heartbreak, disease, etc.) to surface in a relationship.

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Now comes the time for you to move on and you are free of the worry of his poisonous love. Not so fast… you may be rid of him, but you are not rid of the poison he left behind. When a man leaves a wound on a woman she creates a shield of bitterness, loneliness, pain, and complete dissatisfaction with any and all relationships. Why do we do this? We do it because the shield is safe and ensures no more harm to our hearts. While this may feel like the right thing to do it’s unhealthy.  After mourning the loss of a relationship, stay smart, be cautious, and let someone break your shield. All of the panelists open up about how to get back to a welcoming place for love or to let love be.

Aisha Jones Aisha Jones, Relationship 10 years– “Find a way to love yourself enough to move on, whether that is working out or picking up a hobby or discovering new things. Keep in mind that the man you left behind was not worth keeping and leave it at that. Do not allow the anger, bitterness, or sadness to live rent free in your head or heart. Once you rediscover yourself and love who you are flaunt it and get a new boo. Do not date and create ‘space fillers’ in your heart, its desperate and ultimately unfulfilling. Come to a complete understanding of what you are looking for in a boyfriend or husband and seek those qualities when you date. Note* do not bring a check list to dinner or set unattainable standards. Also while you are making a list of qualities, think of who have dated in the past as a reference and see if you only attract a certain kind of man and make the adjustment.

 Kita Bryant Bryant, Married– To be honest I would not want to get married again. Marriage is a blessing, but I would not be willing to invest that much time and energy into another marriage. In my opinion it’s hard to find a good man once you get pass your late 30’s. By then most of the men are taken or have their own love battle wounds that they could take out on you. I would be willing to date again, but never marriage. After everything was settled after a divorce my heart would belong to my children. Since I have poured my heart and soul into a marriage I am not willing to trust another man with my heart in a marriage except God.

Britton S. Boyles Jenkins Britton S. Boyles Jenkins, Divorced– I once read somewhere that trust is like a glass vase; if it is broken and you try to put it together you still see the cracks. After I found out about the infidelity I prayed a lot about it through my healing. I asked God to give the ability to forgive, trust again, and to be able to love again. I can’t tell you that I am fully healed yet, but I have learned that I can’t let wrongdoings onto my heart affect the way I treat my next lover or potential soul mate.  My recommendation is don’t be so on guard that you don’t allow people to love and care for you again. Whether alone or with someone new take it one day at a time then slowly reveal your past experiences to continue healing and begin anew. This will be a true test of his patience, understanding and intentions for your future together.

Ebony L. Davis Ebony L. Davis, Recently Single– The first thing I did to make sure that I was not bringing any emotional, spiritual, or mental baggage into a new relationship was to recognize my issues. I had to realize that I was living and in control my life and it wasn’t just happening to me. Next I needed to recognize how my issues were affecting my behaviors and relationships. Upon recognition I was able to create a plan about how to enjoy my life.  My new start included loving myself as I love others and no longer accepting convenient unhealthy relationships. New love will come in time with the right man; there is no need to set a date. In the meantime I am embracing the single life and accepting my status as a future girlfriend, wife, mother and more on top of being an incredible woman. So when my new love comes my man will be getting the best of me and become a beautiful addition to my life.

Larry Miller Larry Miller, Married– By allowing yourself time to heal you will discover who you are as a person. By allowing yourself the time to heal and rediscover who you are as a person. It is also just as important to evaluate and examine what your expectations are when considering taking this step. One must have some clarity in the type of person they are looking for and not judging an individual by their previous relationship experience. You must create and allow yourself time to explore whether or not there is a connection. In other words go slow.

 Kimberly JonesKimberly Jones, Single– The idea of being so vulnerable by opening my heart scares me to death and I am almost 100% certain that is why I’m single today. The perfect relationship to me is built on friendship where we give 100% of ourselves.  With that there is no room for selfishness because we are looking out for one another’s needs and take joy in fulfilling them. Maybe it’s because I worry that the man I end up with will not see it that way and I will be disappointed. The idea of having someone else take charge of your heart is frightening, but must be done to be fulfilled whether you’ve been heartbroken or not.

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Forgiveness is the first step to the path of a new happiness; whether you walk that path alone or in love.  When the crying and screaming and questions are done you must treat yourself to peace in order to stay lift. The road of love is not easily traveled, but if you have the strength you will know what steps to take. What if the man that has hurt you can take a walk in your shoes? Would you want him to give you a pass or would you work to repair your relationship?  Can you handle this walk alone or does it need to be publicized? There are so many ways to approach your next steps and our panelists eagerly listed their suggestions of how to move on in the direction of healing tomorrow.

 

About the Writer:

Butterfly purpleCarmen Fletcher is a Public Relations Manager and writer that willingly shares her perspective on life, love, and more through poetry, testimonies, and inspirational stories. She is a Contributing Writer on www.breathoflifedaily.com  and has contributed to the book Super Singles Activate! Testimonies to Inspire and Uplift the Single Woman. In  addition she is currently working on several books and orchestrating the Rise Above campaign featured on the fan page of inspirational book Yes! Confess Success www.facebook.com/CBFWorld

About the Panel:

Kita Bryant Kita Bryant is from Atlanta, Georgia. She is married 8 years and a state at home mommy. You can get more advice from Kita at: www.saywhatuwanna.com

 

 

Aisha Jones Aisha Jones is from Atlanta, Georgia. She has been in a relationship for 10 years and is a childcare provider. You can find more of Aisha’s great advice at:https://www.facebook.com/TheHappyHairAffair

 

 

Britton S. Boyles JenkinsBritton S. Boyles Jenkins is from Columbia, South Carolina. She is divorced and is a social worker. You can find more of Britton on her blog at: http://mbblife.com/

 

 

Kimberly JonesKimberly Jones is from Atlanta, Georgia. She is currently single and works as a marketing director. You can find more about Kimberly on her facebook fan page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kahlia-Black/182054925262886

 

 

Ebony L. DavisEbony L. Davis is from Washington, D.C. She is recently single and has a wonderful blog site you will thoroughly enjoy. You can find her at: http://www.cupidsplanner.com/

 

 

Larry MillerLarry Miller is from Chicago, Illinois and married. He is the author of How to Cheat and Not Get Busted and is a contributing writer at Luv&Relationships.com.

C.B. Fletcher is a public relations manager that has worked with domestic and international pr campaigns in the entertainment, fashion, hospitality, and literary industry. She continues to pursue independent projects and collaborations for events and growing businesses. As a contributing writer to Breath of Life Daily, Ms.Nix In The Mix, and The Urban Realist she has had the opportunity to feature intriguing and uplifting stories of people from around the country, as well as lend her perspective on risque and complicated subjects. She also has caught the directing bug in her first upcoming documentary about the journey of a woman fighting Mucoepidermoid carcinoma cancer; Some People Are Just (Un)Lucky. C.B. lives in Atlanta, GA and embraces the fulfilling love of her long term relationship and incredible family and friends. For more information on upcoming articles, films, and snippets from her upcoming books please visit www.facebook.com/CBFWorld.

4 Comments

  1. Nikki

    March 27, 2013 at 6:04 pm

    I can relate to this on many levels. Smh….all I can say is God is Awesome and have and still is keeping me.

    • Ms. Nix

      March 27, 2013 at 6:23 pm

      I can too!!! Relationships are as complicated as the people in them. We (the people in the union) have to be stable and grounded, honest and have open communication, trust and respect but most importantly a relationship focused on God!

  2. Marie Young

    March 27, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    I need to read Larry Millers book! Looks interesting….

    • Ms. Nix

      March 27, 2013 at 4:45 pm

      I’ve worked with Larry and I promise you he really gives out some good advice. His book is da business!!! If you want to learn some tips on what a man is thinking get his book…

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