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You Lying, Cheating, Son of a…I Love You! Part 4: Switching Places, Next Steps, Private or Public Healing

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After the crying, worrying, pondering and more you finally reach a mental place when you decide what to do next. What is next in your relationship, your love, and your life? It is a hard road to get to this place, yet the time does come to move on. In one moment you wonder, what if the situation were reversed and he was the one with sleepless nights, cries, and gut wrenching anger? Would you want total forgiveness, ‘freebies’, and a restart? Then finally as you are in the process of healing how much do you divulge to your inner and unknown public? Does everybody need to know your business? Our panelists give tips on how to handle this part of the healing process. 

 Today the topics are: What are the next steps, what if the situation was reversed, and what does everybody need to know.

  Each panelist gave their insight of what should come next if you are prepared to move on in your relationship in a collaborative three phase list.

PHASE I

  1. Go to counseling
  2. Pray together
  3. Figure out who you are as individuals
  4. Figure out who you are as a couple
  5. Keep an open mind
  6. Open up the door for communication

PHASE II

  1. Ask each other questions about the cheating and how to heal
  2. Come to an understanding that the infidelity will be forgiven not forgotten
  3. Make the conscious decision to move forward
  4. Create a new form of trust by actions (i.e. access to necessary information, no secrets etc.)
  5. Rediscover what brought you two together initially
  6. Share new or unknown facts about each other (emotionally, spiritually, and sexually)

PHASE III

  1. Begin to plan your new future together
  2. Create a new form of love and practice it
  3. Make the conscious decision to embrace your new love and future

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Getting to a place where you are ready to begin anew is an underestimated difficulty. Has anyone ever wondered what if he was the one who caught me? Men are naturally possessive and usually cannot handle the emotional and mental stress of their woman cheating on them. The likelihood of them forgiving us as we forgive them is highly improbable and that just isn’t fair.  Don’t we deserve the same courtesy? As women could we accept the plea of a man to work it out, forgive us, rebuild with us? What do we want our men to do? Larry eagerly shares his view while Aisha and Kita express what they would want from their men.

Larry Miller Larry Miller, Married– “As a man I would say give him space and time to think, but do not completely disappear. You need to feed the man’s ego and make him feel wanted in your life again. You must assure them that they can and are providing everything you need in a friend, lover and mate. The showing of real love and affection helps secure a man emotionally, but don’t think he can be fooled by insincerity.  If you truly believe and feel that you want to remain with your partner then you need to first recognize what alluring qualities they possess and acknowledge them. I would think everyone who can admit their wrong doing and take accountability at some point wants to be forgiven and given a chance to redeem themselves.

Aisha Jones Aisha Jones, Relationship 10 years– If I cheated I would do whatever  he  wanted me to do to fix it, just like I would expect him to do. The actions would have to be productive towards our common goal of staying together. I would want him to express his feelings just like I would to him so that there is a mutual understanding of the wrongdoing. Of course I would want him to forgive me and I would expect a rocky road to rekindling our love, but I wouldn’t expect it. You will never know unless you try.

Kita Bryant Kita Bryant, Married– I have asked my husband about this and he said would forgive me since he loves me. I think I would want him to find out why I cheated, because women do not cheat without a reason. I would tell him why I cheated so that maybe he could be a better man for me or the next woman if he decided to leave me. To be honest, if I cheated on my husband I would not want to rebuild our relationship because it’s already broken. We may ‘fix it’ but it would only be putting a patch on it, nothing would really be healed.

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Social media is the most wonderful way to network and reconnect and is the glorious death of privacy when you are going through a break up or healing process. It is so tempting to tell the world how you feel whether it is online, text, calls, or just talking. It’s healthy to vent your frustrations…to an extent. When you make the choice to forgive your significant other you will receive so much backlash from inquiring minds. When do you say enough is enough and keep your mouth shut to heal properly? Kimberly, Britton, and Ebony explain if they would handle their healing in the public eye or privately.

Kimberly Jones Kimberly Jones, Single– “I would keep everything private with the exception of my inner circle. The way outsiders perceive a relationship can be harmful to the well-being of that relationship. By putting your relationship issues out there for the world to hear it opens up the opportunity for a whole slew of negative confusing input from other people. Your true friends are there to help through tough times, so it’s ok to vent and bounce ideas off of them. Accept what they have to say as helpful and decipher what you deem useful. Other than that keep it close to you, so no Facebook, Twitter, or Tumblr friends are creating gossip and entertainment out of your life.

Britton S. Boyles Jenkins Britton S. Boyles Jenkins – “No, no, no to healing publically! First of all it is no one else’s business! Secondly when you are going through the process (anger, shock, pain, etc) you will likely go on a tirade like no other explaining your hurt to friends, family, and Facebook. This opens up an entire book of judgment from those who don’t know the entire situation. When you decide to reconcile your ‘audience’ may not be ready to retire their feeling about the situation and will unnecessarily infiltrate their thoughts into your mind which causes the end of the relationship. When I went through this I learned the lesson between ‘keeping it real’ and being socially reckless. Vent your frustration, but ultimately keep all your issues to yourself it will save you a migraine.

Ebony L. Davis Ebony L. Davis, Recently Single – “I am a private person so I prefer to go through my healing process privately’ however, not that my wounds are healed I am ready to share my journey with others. I am in the process of revealing my story in a memoir where I provide relationship advice and life coaching on the basis of empowerment and sexual freedom of women. By sharing my story I was able to mature and accept all of who I am. Once you are healed your testimony will continue to wash away the wound.

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When you make the decision to be healed take the first steps together into a brighter future. The fighting is over, the tears have dried, and its time to maturely choose happiness no matter what that means. If you want him to walk in your shoes, do not be venegeful, create a safe open space where you share your feelings. If he loves you his remorse and willingness to rebuild will be shown through his actions. And ladies don’t forget that your business is your own and as well as your heart and mind. Our panelists have some final words of advice to inspire healing and love in your relationship tommorow.

 About the Writer:

Butterfly purpleCarmen Fletcher is a Public Relations Manager and writer that willingly shares her perspective on life, love, and more through poetry, testimonies, and inspirational stories. She is a Contributing Writer on www.breathoflifedaily.com  and has contributed to the book Super Singles Activate! Testimonies to Inspire and Uplift the Single Woman. In  addition she is currently working on several books and orchestrating the Rise Above campaign featured on the fan page of inspirational book Yes! Confess Success www.facebook.com/CBFWorld

 

About the Panel:

Kita Bryant Kita Bryant is from Atlanta, Georgia. She is married 8 years and a state at home mommy. You can get more advice from Kita at: www.saywhatuwanna.com

Aisha Jones Aisha Jones is from Atlanta, Georgia. She has been in a relationship for 10 years and is a childcare provider. You can find more of Aisha’s great advice at:https://www.facebook.com/TheHappyHairAffair

Britton S. Boyles JenkinsBritton S. Boyles Jenkins is from Columbia, South Carolina. She is divorced and is a social worker. You can find more of Britton on her blog at: http://mbblife.com/

Kimberly JonesKimberly Jones is from Atlanta, Georgia. She is currently single and works as a marketing director. You can find more about Kimberly on her facebook fan page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Kahlia-Black/182054925262886

 

 Ebony L. DavisEbony L. Davis is from Washington, D.C. She is recently single and has a wonderful blog site you will thoroughly enjoy. You can find her at: http://www.cupidsplanner.com/

 

Larry MillerLarry Miller is from Chicago, Illinois and married. He is the author of How to Cheat and Not Get Busted and is a contributing writer at Luv&Relationships.com.

C.B. Fletcher is a public relations manager that has worked with domestic and international pr campaigns in the entertainment, fashion, hospitality, and literary industry. She continues to pursue independent projects and collaborations for events and growing businesses. As a contributing writer to Breath of Life Daily, Ms.Nix In The Mix, and The Urban Realist she has had the opportunity to feature intriguing and uplifting stories of people from around the country, as well as lend her perspective on risque and complicated subjects. She also has caught the directing bug in her first upcoming documentary about the journey of a woman fighting Mucoepidermoid carcinoma cancer; Some People Are Just (Un)Lucky. C.B. lives in Atlanta, GA and embraces the fulfilling love of her long term relationship and incredible family and friends. For more information on upcoming articles, films, and snippets from her upcoming books please visit www.facebook.com/CBFWorld.
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