Thursday’s Question and Answer Mix

How to Deal with an Over-Bearing Mother-In-Law

Ms. Nix:

I was recently married to a wonderful man. We both have children from previous relationships and in a few short months we will have a child of our own. My husband and I get along pretty good except when it comes to his family, more specifically his mother. His mother and I never really got along great but she was much easier to deal with before we got married. We would speak to each other when we had to but nothing more than that. Now that we are married, she feels she has some say so in our family life. She wants a key to our house and that will never happen as long as I have breath in my body. She calls all hours of the night and she tries to come by the house whenever she gets good and ready to come by. I’ve caught her telling my step-children not to listen to me because I am not their mother; I am just some woman their dad married. When I confront my husband with my feelings or the things that I’ve heard, he just says she has to get use to the idea of us being married and things will change. Now, I am pregnant and I might be a bit over sensitive right now but I know that I am not crazy and things changing needs to happen right now. What do you think about all of this and how would you handle such a delicate situation?


Pregnant and Fed-Up

Dear Pregnant and Fed-Up:

The first thing I want to address is your health and the health of your unborn child. Your body is already under an enormous amount of stress trying to prepare and carry your baby to term. You should be in the most relaxed environment as possible – daily life has enough challenges and given you did not provide the ages of your children; I can only assume everyone is still at the age where they are living with a parent and found the sound of your letter all the children must be in the home with you and your new husband at least most of the time. So with young and/or pre-teen kids, a new husband, home, and your current pregnancy I’d say your hands are full and anything additional, any outside stressors right now are completely unacceptable. You must remain mentally, physically, and emotionally fit for not only yourself but your unborn child. What happens to you happens to him/her and we want that little blessing you are carrying in your stomach to have the best chance of being healthy right from the start! I do agree with you, some changes need to be made immediately starting with your husband….

When your husband married you, he promised to uphold certain vows – no matter how they were stated most likely the words honor, protect, love, cherish, obey….I knew if not all a few of those were in there. Ultimately, your husband was telling the whole world, including his mother, you and his family are now his first priority and everything else comes second. Your needs, come first and now it is time for her to cut the cord and allow her son to be the husband and father he needs to be for his family.

Note**this is his mother and you must be respectful of her despite what you may feel about her. A mother is a mother forever but don’t get me wrong she does not have a right to interfere in your marriage. Just remember if her behaviors have been allowed so far in your lives, he is going to have a hard time telling her to back off and she is going to have an even more difficult time letting go – she’s been the number one lady in his life up until now and she does not want to resign from her position.

Have a heart to heart with your husband (the picture was just for a laugh) and let him know the concerns you are having with his mother and you both have to address her as a united front. No she can’t have keys to your house, it’s unacceptable to tell you step-children they do not have to obey you and it is offensive to call you a woman he married you’re his wife and you will be respected as such. If you have to keep her away from your home and your family until her behavior changes, then do so. You don’t have any time for undo pressure or stress while you are pregnant and you both refuse to allow ANYBODY undermine your marriage or your family. Your husband should be fully supportive of this because he made the decision to love, honor, and cherish you above all others and that includes his mother. It may sound easier said than done but real is real – you and your family are first (period)!

Let me know how things turn out….I’m interested in seeing how well this ingredient fit into your mix!!!

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